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Posts Tagged ‘turtle back zoo’

Retro Muse: June 22, 2005

Triplets at Turtle Back Zoo

SEARCHING FOR THE TRUTH – June 22, 2005

Background: When I wrote this muse, I was almost a year out of the army. I’ve been working for Nationwide Life Insurance Company for about 5 months. I was starting to finally adjust to life outside the military and get my finances in order. My first son Julian was also born 3/14/05.

Once again, my muse is this e-mail that i send, quarterly for now, about my opinions on life or just anything i want to talk about. I write whats on my mind. I write about whats going on in my life, about politics, about my views on love, life, sex, guns, bananas, pies, etc. About anything!!! And it would be nice to receive replies, comments, or opinions

Same holds true now. The only difference is that now I have established this site to where I can connect to a broader base and I have much more to talk about as I continue to live, learn and experience. I also still invite comments and opinions.

First, i want to let the world know that a star is born. My son Julian was born 3 months ago on March 14th. He has given me direction and hope within my own life. I am a proud father. To be honest, i knew i was having J before he was born but my mind, heart & soul was in a very complicated state. After he was born, he cleared my head and changed my life. I love him so much…right when i seen him, my world changed. All my other worries and all the other hurt and pain i had inside was gone

When Julian’s mom was pregnant, I wasn’t sure I was ready to be a father. So many emotions ran through me. Once he was born and Diana sent me pictures of my son, that was all she wrote. I needed to be there for him. Once I seen my son’s eyes, everything changed. He is my mini-me. I may not be a perfect father, but both of my boys are my strength. I may not call Julian as much as I should, but I bend over backwards to make sure I’m there when it’s my time to be with him. And when we are together, he knows how much I love him and I know he loves me just as much. They say having kids is life altering and that’s the truth. Both Julian and Lino are my main motivators to keep moving forward.

Now, To act or not to act. That is the question. With some decisions in life, people hesitate a little too much. The life we lead is based on the decisions we make. I try not to think too much but the truth is i do. I examine and look at all the what ifs and all the scenarios. Now, i believe that i’m at the level where i am almost about content with where i stand in life. I do hope that the future brings me even more joy. Some parts of my life are shallow and empty but others are filled with happiness. Now, the empty side doesnt necessarily mean that i’m sad, just that there is space to be filled. Does that make sense? Example, i havent talked to my father in a long time, but i am not sad about it. I just merely hope that later on we can start talking again. Or, i don’t have a lady that i love but later on i hope to embrace someone that’ll love me as much as i would that person. But love is something that i will not go deep into. I don’t believe in it anymore. I mean, i hope that it exists but right now, it doesnt make sense to me the whole idea. That’s that on that level. You know any man don’t matter how ‘hard’ or ‘gangsta’ they claim to be knows that deep inside they want to be loved

Now, there are a few things to point out about about this excerpt. 1. I was very sporadic with my thoughts in this paragraph, lol. I still do believe that the decisions we make dictate the lives we lead. 2. I was content at this time being it was the year my first son was born. Also, my life was finally coming together. The previous year I was out of the army and unemployed for about 6 months. 3. There is always a void in life that needs to be filled. Perfection does not exist but the strive for perfection is continuous. As your journey unfolds, most find love or what is perceived as love and then it ends with a broken heart and the cycle repeats itself. The rare few that find love and make it last, are lucky. Whether they are tolerant, understanding, or devoted, they found a way to make their love an enduring one.

I was once told by a wise army lieutenant colonel to cherish the small things in life. Everyone has worries or problems, including myself, but others stress a bit too much and this leads to depression. People should cherish the small things. Like, if you like coffee and you wake up in the morning and sip on that coffee, be grateful and glad about that cup of coffee. Feel happy when you take those sips… For instance, I wake up and i am happy to be alive. This makes me happy and keeps my days moving. I am happy to have a car to drive to work to. Happy that i have a great son and a great mother and a great family. I am grateful. I go outside, smell the air and love it… What i am saying is that life can always be worst. So think about it getting better instead. I want to cherish all of my friends and my family, cuz God forbids i lose a friend, that would hurt. So i don’t want drama with no one. Not even the ones that have hurt me. I want everyone to be a part of my life. I don’t want to hold any grudge

Main point: Count your blessings. Appreciate the small things in life that make you happy. Even the big things or people get unnoticed until it’s too late. My attitude hasn’t changed much from the time I wrote this in 2005. I still do not like drama. I do my best to deal with issues in an educated and mature manner. I have alot of patience. Now there is always a line that can be crossed where patience is lost. But that’s for a different post.

All in all, reflecting back on what was on my mind a few years ago helps me realize where I stand as a man in the present time. Have my ideals been consistent? For the most part, yes they have. Although I am inconsistent in many aspects of my life, the one thing I am consistent about is learning from my mistakes. This reflection helps me look at the past and work on being a better person for tomorrow.

Signing off………..

PabLito Alva

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