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Archive for the ‘Retro Muse’ Category

Just as a reminder, the “Retro Muse” is where I reflect on my past muses or thoughts. These older muses were in the form of group e-mails sent to family, friends and associates. The font in italics are the past writings and the regular font is my reflection on them.

SEARCHING FOR THE TRUTH: June 9, 2006

“It’s a shame but the truth is, that many people in this world are cowards. Cowards because they fear situations that they think they can’t handle. I respect those that have heart. Those that look fear in the face and back slap the sh@t out of it. I have no respect for cowards. If you don’t like me, don’t go around in a circle and tell everyone else. If i’m the main source of your problem, then go straight to me. Go straight to the main source… What makes me real is the fact that i’m not a coward. What makes me real is that i’m honest. I call it how i see it. Whether you like it or not. It may sound cold, but we do live in a cold world. In my opinion, the truth needs to spoken in this world no matter what and we need more people with heart”

I believe we all have this problem in our lives whether personal or in the work environment. People say one thing in your face but another behind your back. There is nothing you can do unless you choose to confront this person. In this muse, I was simply venting. I am a strong believer in speaking your mind and confronting a person with whom you have a problem with. The difference between now and in 2006, is that I now believe in having a filter. There are ways to address a situation without being bluntly honest. Being blunt can be perceived as mean or rude. A filter is important while also ensuring that you are conveying the message about how you really feel.

“…This is love that every man yearns for. Love is a subject with many opinions. Many questions about love can go unanswered. Love is difficult to many because they question it and wonder what it is and how it is suppose to feel. Before anyone asks me how i know our love is real, all i have to say is that i just know. I know because of what i feel. It’s this feeling inside when you get anxious to see that person’s face. When you enjoy their company not only because of physical or intimate urges, but because you love to talk to that person. The communication is great. Conversations can vary from talking about love to talking about grooming. You connect physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally”

All I have to say about this is that nothing lasts forever. Love is very complicated. It has to stand the test of time and endure storms. Real love works on each other continuously to keep the relationship alive. Real love is hard work. Real love is also natural. All in all – Love is an enigma. One can only hope that what you have is love. Even if you do, it may not be long lasting. I still do believe in connecting physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. The extents of each level has changed. This I will address at a later date.

“I believe that in every relationship you have to meet in the middle. You both mutually love. You both mutually show your feelings. Everything is mutual to the best of both your abilities. To me a relationship is also a give and take; some sacrifices have to be taken”

I predicted my future here. ūüôā Love has to definitely be mutual and sacrifices must definitely be made. Understanding this means understanding the seriousness of a long term relationship. The idea of love being mutual sounds basic but it rarely is at a perfect balance. In my experience, someone always love the other more. One person always seems to be willing to make more sacrifices over the other.

“Being a father is one of the greatest titles i can have. I am proud to announce that my son is now walking on his own! Ya daamn right!! Unfortunately, my son is 2 hours away so i don’t see him as much as i would like. The situation is very difficult. My boy Julian. As he grows, i want to help mold him into a great man. I want him to learn from my mistakes and broaden his way of thinking in this journey called life. I want to be the best father i can be regardless of the situation; or the fact that i’m not with his mother, therefore, i don’t get to see him as much. He plays a big part of my determination to be a better man as well as a successful one”

This truth continues to deepen. My family and friends can vouch for the immense love I have for my boys. They drive me to be a better me and to succeed in every way possible. At this time, Julian was walking. Now he is 10, going on 11. A very smart, thoughtful and honest young man. I love who he is becoming. I could not ask for more. Our conversations are more mature and I can always count on him for a truthful perspective. I love you Julian aka Mr. Awesome Jr.

“Politics. Oil prices. Those damn oil prices are up and slowly increasing even higher. The high prices of gas is keeping me from buying my weekly Bacardi bottle. Whats good with that? I don’t think the oil prices will ever go lower then $2 again but they can go down. Some of the reason why oil prices are going up instead of down is having to do with our tension with Iran”

Here I gave my 2 cents on politics at the time as well as the state of oil prices. I read that $2 oil will be a thing of the past. The stock market is not the only thing with volatility. We now have oil back under $2! While other things don’t change – we still have tension with Iran! Finally, I no longer drink Bacardi. I now sip the Irish brew known as Jameson Irish Whiskey aka Jamo.

It’s always interesting to analyze the thoughts you have had in the past to see how or if they have changed. Seeing the evolution of your thinking and to ponder experiences help you understand yourself a little more. This helps on your journey to better yourself.

Truly yours,

Lito aka Mr. Awesome aka B Star

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awesome

SEARCHING FOR THE TRUTH – April 4, 2006

My thoughts back then in italics….

“First off i would like to thank those that replied with comments or those that at least acknowledged the last muse i sent. One of the reasons why i started this e-mail is because i wanted to receive feedback. Another reason is because this is a good way to vent. My purpose is to spark minds. The last muse was to one reader, ‘the best one’ out of all the ones i’ve written. So it felt good to to know that someone is actually reading my philosophical thoughts. Also i want to welcome the new readers or receivers of this muse. Within the past 3 months i have come across some interesting people. So here we go….”

“My mind is full of so many ideas and concepts as far as writing goes. Not for the muse, the muse is something that i type as it comes out. The writing i mean is as far as my poems, rhymes, and stories. If anyone has ever read ‘The Prince’ by Niccolo Machiaveli, one of my ideas is to re-write that book. Update the information to the current way of life, since it was written in the medieval era i believe. But not only am i going to update the information but i want to bring it to the street level. The book is basically about the do’s and don’ts of being a Prince during the times of where the government was monarchy. It’s deep. My goal is to write this book within the next 10 years. Actually, my goal is to write this book or write and publish any book by the time i turn 30. I have alot of other things to do and writing i look at as a hobby, for now. So it’s going to take me a while to sit there and write a 200 – 300 page book. Hopefully, in 7-10 years, you’ll see my book in a Borders near you!”

Ok, so I am now 31 with no book to my name. In my journey, I let some obstacles get in my way and divert me from this goal. Some of these include having a child, buying a home, finishing my degrees, marrying, divorcing and starting all over on the financial front. I would say these are good reasons as to why my book(s) is not finished. My thoughts are there and the outline is in process. In due time.

But I will not be re-writing Machiaveli’s The Prince. My first book may be fictional and in the form of comedy/horror or maybe just horror. Bonggg!

Words of Wisdom…
“Do not try to solve all life’s problems at once — learn todread each day as it comes.”
–Donald Kaul

I still love this quote!

“My muse also proves to alot of people that don’t know me that well that there’s alot more to a person then the physical aspect and the regular ‘I’m good, how are you’ conversation. Most didn’t know that i was interested in writing a book. Most don’t know how deep my mind goes. Especially to those few new friends and associates i have invited on to this e-mail. I hope you enjoy my thoughts, opinions and general talk.”

This was not communicated clearly. I was simply stating that I tend to think deeply into things (even simple things) and enjoy sharing what my mind conceives. I do not always share these philosophies with friends that I hang out with. And that some of my friends do not know or understand this side of me- the analytical side.

Put-Downs…
I would engage you in a battle of wits but I refuse to duel with an unarmed person.

Whaddup!

“Within the past couple years, there was a major reggaeton movement. Daddy Yankee, Tego Calderon & Don Omar brought the genre to a whole notha level by bringing it the main stream and part of US radio stations. I’m proud of my fellow Boricuas for doin they thang and showing them how we move. We’re proud, we’re strong and we gonna let the world know how we do! It has died down a bit but hopefully we form an even stronger wave this year.”

First of all, the slang and the misspellings are intentional. I do not strive to be politically correct nor to follow the rules of English grammar (hypocritical being that I am writing a book, I know). As to the point of what I wrote about, the reggaeton movement was being noticed in major U.S. cities at the time. For those that don’t know, Reggaeton is a cross between Jamaican reggae and Puerto Rican hip-hop/reggae. It was something to be proud a of at the time as the culture was subjected to more attention across the U.S. and the world in general.

Words of Wisdom…
Wisdom comes alone through suffering. – Aeschylus (525-456 BC)
–Ancient Greek soldier, playwright

Truth!

“One thing that i have not spoken about in my last couple muses was the topic of love. Ew, those that know me are wondering how i had the strength to even type the word. As far as relationships, i’ve been very picky. The past 2 years i’ve been mingling and i’ve had 2 girlfriends for very brief periods of time. The reason that i am now ready to discuss ‘love’ is due to one young woman’s impact on my life. Not to say that i am in love or that i love this person YET, but she has definitely brought me hope. When a man loves a woman, does a man think that he must keep competing against other men? Do women feel or do the same? Just a question. I don’t quite think so. Though i used to. Once this one woman accepts your proposal to be your girlfriend then you assume or hope that she holds a sincere interest in you and what you have to offer. I have done things with Gorgeous that i haven’t done before or have felt feeling that i have never felt before like the anticipation of her touch, her kiss and her conversation. How do you know what to call this feeling? It’s like your heart hesitates and doesnt know what to think of it because for one, this feeling is a surprise to you and plus it hasnt been long enough of a time frame for you to be sure you feel what you feel. Does ‘Love’ have a time frame? Can you be with someone in a matter of days and feel ‘love’? Once again, not saying that i am pondering on this. This is where i get tricky. Some things i state on here can be personal and somethings can be general. When i am asking these questions it is not necessarily because it has to do with me. I once told a friend of mine that i was not ready for a relationship because i had a lot of self-improving to do. And for men who have this fear of being with one woman for the rest of their lives, why fear being with one woman who understands you, who you can talk to, who is your soulmate? I am not scared to say how i feel. I am now ready to put my heart in the hands of one special person.”

This came and went ‚Äď nothing lasts forever. Nothing. Love can come and go. Marriages are strictly speculation. You take a risk not knowing where it will take you. You live and you learn as the saying goes. Some clich√©s are too truthful to be ignored. Thus, not that clich√© lol. Although you have set backs in relationships, it is important to learn from it. It can be a depressive time if you give your heart and soul to someone, only to have it destroyed. With time, strength and support, you rebuild and become better than you ever was. Love exists but it is rare and it can diminish at any second. Relish the time you spend with someone if you feel love (whether real or not).

Words of Wisdom…
I haven’t a clue as to how my story will end. But that’s all
right. When you set out on a journey and night covers the road,
you don’t conclude that the road has vanished… And how else
could we discover the stars?

The journey continues…

“American Idol….!! Taylor Hicks reppin originality and soul! This year i’m going to admit to watching this show. Put me on that show and i’ll show em true Boricua sound babaay! Nah, i only show my special talents in front of a chose few. ;)”

Taylor Hicks got that soul! I still listen to all kinds of music. Plus, I still have an amazing voice in the shower. Word up!

Words of Wisdom…
Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with;
only marry someone that you cannot live without.

Ha!

Quotes…
I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you
hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you
lies. – Pietro Aretino

This is a big part of who I am. I’d rather be bluntly honest than deceitful.

“Now, i am going to admit that this first quarter muse of 2006 is very short with little general topics. I apologize but i am already late with the muse and i just want to get this out there. For the new readers, don’t judge me solely by this muse. For everyone else, thanks for being loyal and keep sending me your replies, comments, advice, opinions and/or suggestions. Hot Ones Inc! is still in effect! Once again, i apologize for this muse’s briefness. I promise that the next one will be longer and very thought provoking…….stay tuned!”

What he said…

“Brought to you by: B-Star aka Lito aka PabLito aka Pablo aka Baby Bandit aka Bubsy”

“God Bless! 1 Love!”

Same things applies. Thanks for taking time out to read my older thoughts as well as my retrospective comments.

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Life's Lessons
At this point in my life, I was over a year out of the service and fully adapted to civilian life. My son Julian was almost a year old. And in the intro of this muse, I held the same message for one of the purposes of my muse: “Hopefully, it DOES entertain, teach, motivate, spark ideas, spark critics, awaken, or even have people correct or teach me by sharing their knowledge and experience”

Let’s take a look at my thoughts back then…

“My year started changing for the better when my son came into my life in March. He is now 9 months old and moody as hell. I look into his eyes and see that he has so much to give to the world and so much to take in. My job is to show him love and to teach him everything that i know about this journey called life. I want him to learn from my mistakes. I want him to be all that he can be…”

Julian is now 8. He is a smart young man. When you think he is not listening, he is. He then waits for the right time to ask questions based on what he heard. Simply put: he is a sponge. He obtains information and has an excellent memory. His memory is selective since he is a human after all. ūüôā When asked certain things, he can utter the famous phrase “I forgot”. But when you mention months ago an activity or place to go on this particular weekend, he will remind you instantly. Julian is very caring and patient. His personality is humble and genuine. I enjoy spending time with him and never get tired of his questions. My son is pure awesomeness.

“‘Death Before Dishonor’ is what my brother has tatted on this forearm. There are so many people in this world that are quick to dishonor another person. I guess it’s the easier route out of a situation in some cases. The values i grew up with in my family are the same i preach and practice when it comes to friends. It’s hard to entirely trust anyone, but honor and respect your friends and expect the same in return. Not everyone i know or talk to is a ‘friend’. To be labeled a ‘friend’ is something you have to earn. If you’re my friend or i’ve called you a friend, know that you can trust me. Know that i will be there”

I will never take it to the extreme and tatt ‘Death Before Dishonor’ on my body but honor is a rare characteristic. This is a cold world. A vast amount of people lie, cheat, and turn on you in the blink of an eye. When I was younger, I had many friends. This number has dwindled. As an adult, I’ve learned to be selective with friends. I keep few confidants but at least I’ll know they’ll have my back. Loyalty and Trust is very important to me. It’s not about quantity but quality.

“Relationships…
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After
marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.”

This was a funny quote I inserted back then. Crazy how truthful it came to be.

“Confusion plays a major role in everyones life. People go through certain emotional rollercoasters and don’t know what to think of it. Was it just a learning experience or was it a nightmare that should have never occurred? Some people search for something thats not there. Some people are confused about who they are and what is their purpose in life. I was confused about some things this year. I was confused about what to do and about relationships.”

I now believe that in one way or another, the struggles and obstacles in life are a learning experience. We will never be perfect or never say we “get it”. Life is a journey of continuous learning. We will all have moments where we are stuck and have to decipher your current situation. Sometimes you have to take a moment to reflect, re-energize and reformulate a plan to get back on track. Struggles are there for the strong to overcome. Live strong and look to better yourself at all times (in all aspects).

“Feel free to send me suggestions or topics to write about. I’ll let you know what replies i get if i post them on my muse.”

This still applies.

“Also, as a new request, i am requesting that everyone who receives this to forward the muse to those that you think might be interested.”

This still applies.

“Thank you to those that have read my muses this year and to those that have replied.”

Finally, this also applies. ūüôā I like to read comments. I will always encourage readers to do so. Whether you are complimenting, suggesting, disagreeing, etc. It’s good to hear your thoughts as well.

PabLito aka Lito aka Bubsy

Learner

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choose-your-own-pathSEARCHING FOR THE TRUTH – September 6, 2005

Here were my thoughts back then (in italics):

‚Äú‚Ķi want to be remembered by many for being someone that¬†has always been honest. Honest is something that this world lacks. I’ve met many people and came across many people for whom i¬†have developed a love for or even good feelings for. The first quality that i¬†project is my honesty and if I’m¬†fond of you as a friend or otherwise, i¬†expect it in return. Honesty and trust go hand in hand. It seems that most of the people i¬†come across aren’t ‘real’. I mean, this world is filled with deceit and lies so it makes sense that most people think that they can get away with it – and most do. Either way, the truth will eventually come to light. I can trust someone to be honest with me, but once they break that trust, they betray me and once they betray me, they lose my respect and my friendship. Why lie and play games? It’s not worth it. Life is too short and i don’t have time or even want to deal with bullshit anymore‚ÄĚ

¬†I trust very few people. Trust is something that is earned. The world still is and will always be full of deceit. As far as honesty, I still try to be as honest as possible. Now, I have learned that there is¬†also much¬†gray area. Sometimes you must bend the truth a bit. Or sometimes the truth can sting a little too much and you can lose an ally or¬†a person you care about. It still needs to be conveyed in its purest form but it may need to be watered down a bit or given in portions. I’ve been single for over a year and there too many games and lies being played when it comes to getting to know a possible interest. I don’t have time for it. Thus, I remain a bachelor.¬† ūüėČ

‚ÄúWords of Wisdom…
To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be
the world‚ÄĚ

I can’t recall who this originally came from but it’s a great quote. Truth!

‚ÄúOne thing that i¬†have learned from a book I’m¬†reading(The Millionaire Mind), is that somethings in life you have to be committed to. You can’t just say and/or partially take action. Commit, committed, commitment are the key words. For example, one always says, “damn, i¬†want to be rich” or “I’m¬†gonna be rich” but if you are committed, then you have more of a chance of being rich then by just wanting or having the passion to be so. Another example is if someone loves you and they say, I’m¬†always gonna be with you. You actually have to be committed¬†to loving this person and if you say you want to be with them and only them, you have to be committed¬†to it and learn to be loyal to and deal with one person your whole life. Commitment. Commit to things, don’t just have the passion or thought of doing it. You have to commit. I’m committed to making a lot¬†of money within 5 years, I’m committed to being a great father, son, brother, friend, lover, maybe boyfriend, maybe just maybe husband‚ÄĚ

This is why I love doing these Retro Muses where I look back at what I wrote and compare it to my current perspective. When I wrote this, I was¬†NOT married and I did NOT even meet my ex-wife. Odd. When two people marry, yes, you should be committed to that relationship. The vows do state “til death do us part, in sickness or in health” etc. I advise everyone to take the idea of matrimony serious before you decide to make this choice. Do not rely on butterflies in your stomach or the fresh phase of beginning love. Marriage is a serious and sacred vow. I have no plans on re-marrying anytime soon but this past year and a half I have had a certain person(s) catch my attention. Let’s see what the future holds. As far as everything else? Commitment is a word that separates the¬†protagonist from the antagonists. Commitment separates the ones that are successful from the ones that settle. You have words, you have feelings, and then you should have actions. Formulate a plan. Anything is possible. Be committed.¬†And as an¬†individual, always be committed to being a better you.

‚ÄúPeople chose to connect to a person for different reasons. By connect, i¬†can mean a lot things, like connect to have sex, connect to have a friend, or a girlfriend/boyfriend, lover, etc. Some people connect because it just happens, some connect because they are lonely and need attention, others connect for curiosity. Either way, i believe that in order for the connection to be real love, you must connect on a few levels‚ÄĚ

This is where I go on about my 4 levels of compatibility. I still believe in them but I’ve altered my feelings a bit within each. I will not talk about them in-depth¬†in this post but in order to find something true, you must be compatible physically, mentally, emotionally and¬†spiritually. But as they say, in this journey, you have people who¬†come into your life for a reason, for a season¬†or for a lifetime.

“My mind is clouded with thoughts that are far from any realistic reach. Included in these thoughts are what some may call dreams, other thoughts can be what some call nightmares. Dreams of the perfect woman, all the money in
the world and to be drama free; nightmares (which are actually can actually be realistic) are revenge and payback, pain and hurt all over again. All together, my mind is much clearer since March 14th. The day that my Julian
was born. Now i¬†remain a struggling man looking to figure other things about my life out while at the same time, enjoying and not putting too much emphasis on¬†dissecting¬†this road called life. Why? This is the question of questions. Damn, i hate having questions and no answers‚ÄĚ

I still question everything in life but now I am a bit more patient in finding answers. We all have problems and struggles. It’s¬†a matter of having resiliency and moving forward. Perfect timing of this post. My son Julian turns 8 today, March 14th. He is such a smart young man. He is kind¬†and mature as he shows great patience. Like me, he questions everything. I love him so much and look forward to guiding him as his father.

‚ÄúIt’s like my mind is a balance beam. Balancing the anger and pain with the love. Very fortunately, the love is out-weighing the other side. And i owe it all to my family to include my wonderful mini-me, Julian‚ÄĚ

We all go through phases of anger and pain although some more than others. There is ALWAYS something positive to think about. Count your blessings.

Signing out…

Lito Alva aka B Star aka Tio Bubsy aka The Man With The Master Plan

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Retro Muse: June 22, 2005

Triplets at Turtle Back Zoo

SEARCHING FOR THE TRUTH – June 22, 2005

Background: When I wrote this muse, I was almost a year out of¬†the army. I’ve been working for Nationwide Life Insurance Company for about 5 months. I was starting to finally adjust to life outside the military and get my finances in order. My first son Julian was also born 3/14/05.

Once again, my muse is this e-mail that i send, quarterly for now, about my opinions on life or just anything i want to talk about. I write whats on my mind. I write about whats going on in my life, about politics, about my views on love, life, sex, guns, bananas, pies, etc. About anything!!! And it would be nice to receive replies, comments, or opinions

Same holds true now. The only difference is that now I have established this site to where I can connect to a broader base and I have much more to talk about as I continue to live, learn and experience. I also still invite comments and opinions.

First, i¬†want to let the world know that a star is born. My son Julian was born 3 months ago on March 14th. He has given me direction and hope within my own life. I am a proud father. To be honest, i¬†knew i¬†was having J before he was born but my mind, heart & soul was in a very complicated state. After he was born, he cleared my head and changed my life. I love him so much…right when i¬†seen him, my world changed. All my other worries and all the other hurt and pain i had inside was gone

When Julian’s mom was pregnant, I wasn’t sure I was ready to be a father. So many emotions ran through me. Once he was born and Diana sent me pictures of my son, that was all she wrote. I needed to be there for him. Once I seen my son’s eyes, everything changed.¬†He is¬†my mini-me. I may not be a perfect father, but both of my boys are my strength. I may not call Julian as much as I should, but I bend over backwards to make sure I’m there when it’s my time to be with him. And when we are together, he knows how much I love him and I know he loves me just as much. They say having kids is life altering and that’s the truth. Both Julian and Lino are my main motivators to keep moving forward.

Now, To act or not to act. That is the question. With some decisions in life, people hesitate a little too much. The life we lead¬†is based on the decisions we make. I try not to think too much but the truth is i¬†do. I examine and look at all the what ifs and all the scenarios. Now, i¬†believe that i’m¬†at the level where i¬†am almost about content with where i¬†stand in life. I do hope that the future brings me even more joy. Some parts of my life are shallow and empty but others are filled with happiness. Now, the empty side doesnt¬†necessarily mean that i’m¬†sad, just that there is space to be filled. Does that make sense? Example, i¬†havent talked to my father in a long time, but i¬†am not sad about it. I just merely hope that later on we can start talking again. Or, i¬†don’t have a lady that i¬†love but later on i¬†hope to embrace someone that’ll love me as much as i¬†would that person. But love is something that i¬†will not go deep into. I don’t believe in it anymore. I mean, i¬†hope that it exists but right now, it doesnt make sense to me the whole idea. That’s that on that level. You know any man don’t matter how ‘hard’ or ‘gangsta’ they claim to be knows that deep inside they want to be loved

Now, there are a few things to point out about about this excerpt. 1. I was very sporadic with my thoughts in this paragraph, lol. I still do believe that the decisions we make dictate the lives we lead. 2. I was content at this time being it was the year my first son was born. Also, my life was finally coming together. The previous year I was out of the army and unemployed for about 6 months. 3. There is always a void in life that needs to be filled. Perfection does not exist but the strive for perfection is continuous. As your journey unfolds, most find love or what is perceived as love and then it ends with a broken heart and the cycle repeats itself. The rare few that find love and make it last, are lucky. Whether they are tolerant, understanding, or devoted, they found a way to make their love an enduring one.

I was once told by a wise army lieutenant colonel to cherish the small things in life. Everyone has worries or problems, including myself, but others stress a bit too much and this leads to depression. People should cherish the small things. Like, if you like coffee and you wake up in the morning and sip on that coffee, be grateful and glad about that cup of coffee. Feel happy when you take those sips… For instance, I wake up and i¬†am happy to be alive. This makes me happy and keeps my days moving. I am happy to have a car to drive to work to. Happy that i¬†have a great son and a great mother and a great family. I am grateful. I go outside, smell the air and love it… What i¬†am saying is that life can always be worst. So think about it getting better instead. I want to cherish all of my friends and my family, cuz God forbids i¬†lose a friend, that would hurt. So i don’t want drama with no one. Not even the ones that have hurt me. I want everyone to be a part of my life. I don’t want to hold any grudge

Main point: Count your blessings. Appreciate the small things in life that make you happy. Even the big things or people get unnoticed until it’s too late. My attitude hasn’t changed much from the time I wrote this in 2005. I still do not like drama. I do my best to deal with issues in an educated and mature manner. I have alot of patience. Now there is always a line that can be crossed where patience is lost. But that’s for a different post.

All in all, reflecting back on what was on my mind a few years ago helps me realize where I stand as a man in the present time. Have my ideals been consistent? For the most part, yes they have. Although I am inconsistent in many aspects of my life, the one thing I am consistent about is learning from my mistakes. This reflection helps me look at the past and work on being a better person for tomorrow.

Signing off………..

PabLito Alva

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SEARCHING FOR THE TRUTH – October 5, 2004

What is the truth? I don’t have all the answers but i have my opinions. At the end of June, i got out of the military. I thank God for giving me strength during my trying times for those four years. The Army is no joke. For me, it was a good experience because i have learned so much in the military and i don’t mean army stuff. I mean that i have learned so much about life in general. Particularly about the hearts of men and women. I have learned that Loyalty, Trust, and Honesty is hard to find in a person. Seeing a lot of two-faced people in the military changed my way of looking at the world. Already raised to not trust many people, the military enforced that lesson. And in the past 3 months or maybe even 6 months, i have changed and many people agree. Some say that i am more colder and some say that i am more spirited and thoughtful. I may be colder because of the betrayal that occured to me. I may be colder because of the shiesty two-faced people i have dealt with. Either way, people change for a reason. I see it was me becoming a stronger person. As much as i would love to believe that you can trust anyone and everybody cares, i can’t. It just isn’t true. Nobody wants to hurt or be hurt so now i have established this side to me that if someone hurts me again, it is not going to hurt as much

When I wrote this muse, I was out of the military for almost 3 months. I was receiving unemployment benefits and sending resumes out on a¬†weekly basis. I reflected on my time served as a member of the U.S. Army. As any obstacle in life’s journey, it was a challenge and a lesson learned. During my time served, some higher ranking individuals tended to abuse their power. To me it was as though they were bullied growing up and in the military, if you follow a simple guideline to move forward in your speciality, you get a raise and a higher ranking. With a higher ranking comes more power and if you grew up being bullied, you may abuse this power. So I addressed two-faced individuals and the true hearts of men because I observed this abuse in power. I also went through a terrible relationship in which I was betrayed in the form of infidelity while I served in Afghanistan. I came home to much drama and hurt. This reinforced my principles of loyalty, trust and honesty that much more. Sometimes you go through certain situations of hurt and regret and this tends to make you cold inside. You form a¬†barrier and promise yourself that if you ever come across another situation of this caliber, that you will not let it get you down. That is the emotional¬†blockage created as a result. This can be interpreted by many as being a cold person. Either way, you will always come across betrayal and pain. The only thing to do is minimize it by learning from your past mistakes and by remembering that life goes on as it did when you went through it any other time.

I am currently in somewhat of a relationship. I am working on healing some wounds. In anycase, i am looking for a woman who i can trust, who will be loyal to me, and who will be honest with me. Those are the things that i always felt i had a problem when it comes to women. Trust was always a factor. Everyone knows that trust is always a big problem. How can you completely trust anyone?
Other things that i am looking for of course is a caring woman. Someone that will treat me as royally as i treat her. She my Queen and me her King. Mutual relationship. I believe that the man shouldn’t be the only one giving love, attention, affection. The woman should be willing to do whatever the man does in equal proportion. I mean of course, i am not talking about exact proportion. I just mean that it shouldn’t be so one sided. You see, i love showing my affect and i love to treat a special person special. That right there makes me happy. To love and be loved in return. I want a woman that i can sit down and have a good converstion with. Someone who admires my goals and my dreams and the hobbies i have

I was in no relationship. That was an illusion. I was 22 and still distinguishing lust from the feeling of actually caring about someone. Still, trust is no easy task in any type of relationship and to this day I still question – can you completely trust anyone?

As far as my idea of what I want in a woman, that changes all the time. Although I believe it is required that the feeling be mutual as far as how much you care for one another. For a woman may be willing to die for her significant other while the man is mystified and focusing on another.

It has been slightly difficult coming from the army into the “real world”. I am happy though. Many people stay in the army because they are scared that they can’t succeed as a civilian. All that they think they know is the army. There are many opportunities out here though. Many opportunities in which you don’t necessarily need a degree. A lot of businesses are booming. I have been lucky enough to come across a couple of them. Connections is what it’s all about. It takes some time though. My plans are to hold a steady regular job doing something like working on a bank or something. On the side (part time), i am going to work on my two business ventures

Once again, I held no permanent job at this point. I knew a couple friends who got out the service around the same time as me and went back in after a few months. It was not easy looking for work. Understandably so, ¬†it’s hard for an employer to translate your occupation in the military to experience in their field. It wasn’t until February of 2005 that I was able to land a job as a temp for a brokerage firm. I slowly progressed by seeking licenses, certifications, and other education in the securities industry. In addition to opportunities with other employers, I continued my education thanks to inspiration from a special somebody. With success also came responsibility. I was getting married, having a baby, and buying a house all at around the same time. It was a struggle but I/We managed. The business ventures at the time included real estate and life insurance (two separate ventures, not with the same company). I’ve always shown motivation to do more but it’s hard to capitilize. But just because you’ve failed in the past doesn’t mean you will fail in the future. You have to keep it movin’.

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SEARCHING FOR THE TRUTH – June 21, 2004

I am ready to get out of this poisoned institutioned called the Army. My time was served proudly and i don’t regret representing my country but the way of life in the Army is not for me

Ok, I called the U.S. Army a “poisoned institute”. Shoot me. I was bitter. The abuse of power in the military affected me. I could have all the knowledge in the world on the task I was performing but as soon as a higher ranking person took charge, I was treated like dirt. This I despised amongst other things. Still, I remain proud to have serviced my country.

I am a confused man about relationships. I am not confused about my career though. I have figured that out

Funny how everything comes back full circle. This is exactly how I feel now. Remember, I wrote this in 2004, it is now 2012.

Recently, i got my palm read. It was like $5 or $10 but they told me so much and they knew so much about me. They made a believer out of me. She said that i have a talent that i hold back on and that i also hold back on my opinions. She said that due to my prior relationship, that i am skeptical in starting a new one

At this point, I don’t need a palm reader to tell me how my life will turn out. I feel as though I have some control over my future. Although, I do believe some people possess this gift. I’m just not sure if I’ll ever see a palm reader again. Well, maybe out of curiousity. I wonder how many other people have had their palm read only to be deceived or even those that actually believe in the craft.

I wrote what i could and i made sure i sent something out for this month. I love doing this because i love the responses i get

At the time I started to e-mail people my “muses”, I needed an outlet to express myself. Some could say I even needed the attention. Today, I can confirm that the above is true but its much more than that. I like feedback from different perspectives, I like to entice minds and make them think, and I simply enjoy expressing my thoughts to the world. My life is as transparent as a store window. Just look in and you will see what’s inside. Any questions, just ask.

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