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Archive for the ‘Me’ Category

Just as a reminder, the “Retro Muse” is where I reflect on my past muses or thoughts. These older muses were in the form of group e-mails sent to family, friends and associates. The font in italics are the past writings and the regular font is my reflection on them.

SEARCHING FOR THE TRUTH: June 9, 2006

“It’s a shame but the truth is, that many people in this world are cowards. Cowards because they fear situations that they think they can’t handle. I respect those that have heart. Those that look fear in the face and back slap the sh@t out of it. I have no respect for cowards. If you don’t like me, don’t go around in a circle and tell everyone else. If i’m the main source of your problem, then go straight to me. Go straight to the main source… What makes me real is the fact that i’m not a coward. What makes me real is that i’m honest. I call it how i see it. Whether you like it or not. It may sound cold, but we do live in a cold world. In my opinion, the truth needs to spoken in this world no matter what and we need more people with heart”

I believe we all have this problem in our lives whether personal or in the work environment. People say one thing in your face but another behind your back. There is nothing you can do unless you choose to confront this person. In this muse, I was simply venting. I am a strong believer in speaking your mind and confronting a person with whom you have a problem with. The difference between now and in 2006, is that I now believe in having a filter. There are ways to address a situation without being bluntly honest. Being blunt can be perceived as mean or rude. A filter is important while also ensuring that you are conveying the message about how you really feel.

“…This is love that every man yearns for. Love is a subject with many opinions. Many questions about love can go unanswered. Love is difficult to many because they question it and wonder what it is and how it is suppose to feel. Before anyone asks me how i know our love is real, all i have to say is that i just know. I know because of what i feel. It’s this feeling inside when you get anxious to see that person’s face. When you enjoy their company not only because of physical or intimate urges, but because you love to talk to that person. The communication is great. Conversations can vary from talking about love to talking about grooming. You connect physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally”

All I have to say about this is that nothing lasts forever. Love is very complicated. It has to stand the test of time and endure storms. Real love works on each other continuously to keep the relationship alive. Real love is hard work. Real love is also natural. All in all – Love is an enigma. One can only hope that what you have is love. Even if you do, it may not be long lasting. I still do believe in connecting physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. The extents of each level has changed. This I will address at a later date.

“I believe that in every relationship you have to meet in the middle. You both mutually love. You both mutually show your feelings. Everything is mutual to the best of both your abilities. To me a relationship is also a give and take; some sacrifices have to be taken”

I predicted my future here. 🙂 Love has to definitely be mutual and sacrifices must definitely be made. Understanding this means understanding the seriousness of a long term relationship. The idea of love being mutual sounds basic but it rarely is at a perfect balance. In my experience, someone always love the other more. One person always seems to be willing to make more sacrifices over the other.

“Being a father is one of the greatest titles i can have. I am proud to announce that my son is now walking on his own! Ya daamn right!! Unfortunately, my son is 2 hours away so i don’t see him as much as i would like. The situation is very difficult. My boy Julian. As he grows, i want to help mold him into a great man. I want him to learn from my mistakes and broaden his way of thinking in this journey called life. I want to be the best father i can be regardless of the situation; or the fact that i’m not with his mother, therefore, i don’t get to see him as much. He plays a big part of my determination to be a better man as well as a successful one”

This truth continues to deepen. My family and friends can vouch for the immense love I have for my boys. They drive me to be a better me and to succeed in every way possible. At this time, Julian was walking. Now he is 10, going on 11. A very smart, thoughtful and honest young man. I love who he is becoming. I could not ask for more. Our conversations are more mature and I can always count on him for a truthful perspective. I love you Julian aka Mr. Awesome Jr.

“Politics. Oil prices. Those damn oil prices are up and slowly increasing even higher. The high prices of gas is keeping me from buying my weekly Bacardi bottle. Whats good with that? I don’t think the oil prices will ever go lower then $2 again but they can go down. Some of the reason why oil prices are going up instead of down is having to do with our tension with Iran”

Here I gave my 2 cents on politics at the time as well as the state of oil prices. I read that $2 oil will be a thing of the past. The stock market is not the only thing with volatility. We now have oil back under $2! While other things don’t change – we still have tension with Iran! Finally, I no longer drink Bacardi. I now sip the Irish brew known as Jameson Irish Whiskey aka Jamo.

It’s always interesting to analyze the thoughts you have had in the past to see how or if they have changed. Seeing the evolution of your thinking and to ponder experiences help you understand yourself a little more. This helps on your journey to better yourself.

Truly yours,

Lito aka Mr. Awesome aka B Star

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awesome

SEARCHING FOR THE TRUTH – April 4, 2006

My thoughts back then in italics….

“First off i would like to thank those that replied with comments or those that at least acknowledged the last muse i sent. One of the reasons why i started this e-mail is because i wanted to receive feedback. Another reason is because this is a good way to vent. My purpose is to spark minds. The last muse was to one reader, ‘the best one’ out of all the ones i’ve written. So it felt good to to know that someone is actually reading my philosophical thoughts. Also i want to welcome the new readers or receivers of this muse. Within the past 3 months i have come across some interesting people. So here we go….”

“My mind is full of so many ideas and concepts as far as writing goes. Not for the muse, the muse is something that i type as it comes out. The writing i mean is as far as my poems, rhymes, and stories. If anyone has ever read ‘The Prince’ by Niccolo Machiaveli, one of my ideas is to re-write that book. Update the information to the current way of life, since it was written in the medieval era i believe. But not only am i going to update the information but i want to bring it to the street level. The book is basically about the do’s and don’ts of being a Prince during the times of where the government was monarchy. It’s deep. My goal is to write this book within the next 10 years. Actually, my goal is to write this book or write and publish any book by the time i turn 30. I have alot of other things to do and writing i look at as a hobby, for now. So it’s going to take me a while to sit there and write a 200 – 300 page book. Hopefully, in 7-10 years, you’ll see my book in a Borders near you!”

Ok, so I am now 31 with no book to my name. In my journey, I let some obstacles get in my way and divert me from this goal. Some of these include having a child, buying a home, finishing my degrees, marrying, divorcing and starting all over on the financial front. I would say these are good reasons as to why my book(s) is not finished. My thoughts are there and the outline is in process. In due time.

But I will not be re-writing Machiaveli’s The Prince. My first book may be fictional and in the form of comedy/horror or maybe just horror. Bonggg!

Words of Wisdom…
“Do not try to solve all life’s problems at once — learn todread each day as it comes.”
–Donald Kaul

I still love this quote!

“My muse also proves to alot of people that don’t know me that well that there’s alot more to a person then the physical aspect and the regular ‘I’m good, how are you’ conversation. Most didn’t know that i was interested in writing a book. Most don’t know how deep my mind goes. Especially to those few new friends and associates i have invited on to this e-mail. I hope you enjoy my thoughts, opinions and general talk.”

This was not communicated clearly. I was simply stating that I tend to think deeply into things (even simple things) and enjoy sharing what my mind conceives. I do not always share these philosophies with friends that I hang out with. And that some of my friends do not know or understand this side of me- the analytical side.

Put-Downs…
I would engage you in a battle of wits but I refuse to duel with an unarmed person.

Whaddup!

“Within the past couple years, there was a major reggaeton movement. Daddy Yankee, Tego Calderon & Don Omar brought the genre to a whole notha level by bringing it the main stream and part of US radio stations. I’m proud of my fellow Boricuas for doin they thang and showing them how we move. We’re proud, we’re strong and we gonna let the world know how we do! It has died down a bit but hopefully we form an even stronger wave this year.”

First of all, the slang and the misspellings are intentional. I do not strive to be politically correct nor to follow the rules of English grammar (hypocritical being that I am writing a book, I know). As to the point of what I wrote about, the reggaeton movement was being noticed in major U.S. cities at the time. For those that don’t know, Reggaeton is a cross between Jamaican reggae and Puerto Rican hip-hop/reggae. It was something to be proud a of at the time as the culture was subjected to more attention across the U.S. and the world in general.

Words of Wisdom…
Wisdom comes alone through suffering. – Aeschylus (525-456 BC)
–Ancient Greek soldier, playwright

Truth!

“One thing that i have not spoken about in my last couple muses was the topic of love. Ew, those that know me are wondering how i had the strength to even type the word. As far as relationships, i’ve been very picky. The past 2 years i’ve been mingling and i’ve had 2 girlfriends for very brief periods of time. The reason that i am now ready to discuss ‘love’ is due to one young woman’s impact on my life. Not to say that i am in love or that i love this person YET, but she has definitely brought me hope. When a man loves a woman, does a man think that he must keep competing against other men? Do women feel or do the same? Just a question. I don’t quite think so. Though i used to. Once this one woman accepts your proposal to be your girlfriend then you assume or hope that she holds a sincere interest in you and what you have to offer. I have done things with Gorgeous that i haven’t done before or have felt feeling that i have never felt before like the anticipation of her touch, her kiss and her conversation. How do you know what to call this feeling? It’s like your heart hesitates and doesnt know what to think of it because for one, this feeling is a surprise to you and plus it hasnt been long enough of a time frame for you to be sure you feel what you feel. Does ‘Love’ have a time frame? Can you be with someone in a matter of days and feel ‘love’? Once again, not saying that i am pondering on this. This is where i get tricky. Some things i state on here can be personal and somethings can be general. When i am asking these questions it is not necessarily because it has to do with me. I once told a friend of mine that i was not ready for a relationship because i had a lot of self-improving to do. And for men who have this fear of being with one woman for the rest of their lives, why fear being with one woman who understands you, who you can talk to, who is your soulmate? I am not scared to say how i feel. I am now ready to put my heart in the hands of one special person.”

This came and went – nothing lasts forever. Nothing. Love can come and go. Marriages are strictly speculation. You take a risk not knowing where it will take you. You live and you learn as the saying goes. Some clichés are too truthful to be ignored. Thus, not that cliché lol. Although you have set backs in relationships, it is important to learn from it. It can be a depressive time if you give your heart and soul to someone, only to have it destroyed. With time, strength and support, you rebuild and become better than you ever was. Love exists but it is rare and it can diminish at any second. Relish the time you spend with someone if you feel love (whether real or not).

Words of Wisdom…
I haven’t a clue as to how my story will end. But that’s all
right. When you set out on a journey and night covers the road,
you don’t conclude that the road has vanished… And how else
could we discover the stars?

The journey continues…

“American Idol….!! Taylor Hicks reppin originality and soul! This year i’m going to admit to watching this show. Put me on that show and i’ll show em true Boricua sound babaay! Nah, i only show my special talents in front of a chose few. ;)”

Taylor Hicks got that soul! I still listen to all kinds of music. Plus, I still have an amazing voice in the shower. Word up!

Words of Wisdom…
Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with;
only marry someone that you cannot live without.

Ha!

Quotes…
I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you
hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you
lies. – Pietro Aretino

This is a big part of who I am. I’d rather be bluntly honest than deceitful.

“Now, i am going to admit that this first quarter muse of 2006 is very short with little general topics. I apologize but i am already late with the muse and i just want to get this out there. For the new readers, don’t judge me solely by this muse. For everyone else, thanks for being loyal and keep sending me your replies, comments, advice, opinions and/or suggestions. Hot Ones Inc! is still in effect! Once again, i apologize for this muse’s briefness. I promise that the next one will be longer and very thought provoking…….stay tuned!”

What he said…

“Brought to you by: B-Star aka Lito aka PabLito aka Pablo aka Baby Bandit aka Bubsy”

“God Bless! 1 Love!”

Same things applies. Thanks for taking time out to read my older thoughts as well as my retrospective comments.

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You see my aura is bright. I shine like a super nova. My energy is high powered. My confidence is at an all time high for I believe in who I am and what I am capable of. Yes, I may fall down. I may also get down on myself. The difference between me and the weak, is that I overcome. To be strong is to fall down and get back up with more confidence and more capability. This is because you are supposed to learn from your mistakes and get better.

I get better. It’s been historically proven that I conquer my troubles and I define awesome. Overly confident? I don’t think so. Maybe I’m just trying to trick my mind into believing this… or maybe I just know and realize my wealth. I can tell you this…It’s better to be overly confident than frail and unsure.

Be strong…Live strong…Overcome…

– Lito

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In The Event Of My Demise

Tupac Amaru Shakur wrote the following poem:

 When I was younger, I constantly thought of death. I wondered what happens after you go, where do you go or even will anyone care. I grew up in Paterson, NJ where death surrounds every corner as violence smothers the streets. Being out there in the midst of the action instead of observing from a project window is probably why I mused on the idea of death. I’ve seen it and I’ve witnessed individuals on the brink of it. So why would I be exempt from the reaper’s clutches? The people I hung around with at the time flirted so much with death that it was easy for me to be a casualty at any given time. When I moved to DE and joined the Army, those thoughts faded.
 
Now that I’m older and more experienced, I am starting to circle around to the idea of death again. So once more, what happens after you go, where do you go or will anyone care? But now I have additional questions… Like …. What mark will I leave on this earth or what impact would I have had to those around me? How will my boys remember me? How much would I have accomplished?
 
Time is the most scarce commodity. We must be hasty in moving forward and being productive. This applies to financial as well as personal improvement. As I mentioned before, in life, my general goal is to better myself as a person in all aspects. It is a constant purpose. Although, it is also good at times to slow the gears down and evaluate where you stand.
 
I also imagine how my funeral/wake will play out. It’s natural to mourn the death of a loved one but my wish is for my family to do their best to also celebrate my life. Look back at how far I’ve come, my ideals, my triumphs and my spirit. As you reflect on my life, cherish those moments with some Hennessy and some good drank. Maybe even some Black and Milds or some good cigars. This would be how I would want my funeral/wake to play out. Shots!!!
 
To be buried or to be cremated? I’m leaning toward the idea of being cremated. I mean what use is it to bury my lifeless body in the ground? All it would do is take up space and become more expensive to do. Cremate me. My ashes would just be a reminder of my existence. Bring my ashes with you and travel the world 🙂 . If you need to mourn my death/celebrate my life in a yearly fashion, then purchase a memorial tombstone but I’m asking that my body be cremated.
 
Who else ponders what will happen once the reaper gets a hold of them?
 
 
PabLito aka Bubsy aka Bee Star

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In due time, physical pain heals as does pain of the emotional kind. In general, time heals all wounds. Some emotional pain one can never forget but you learn to live with it as time goes on. It may take awhile, but its eventual. In order to move forward from any set-back in life, you have to re-examine yourself and look at areas where you can strengthen and become better. These areas include physical fitness, education, and personality adjustments or the way you carry yourself. By focusing on bettering yourself, not only do you improve on all aspects, but it also helps time go by as your wounds are healing. If you do nothing, time will move slow and thus, making it difficult to overcome the pain.

Personally, I took a moment to address my needs. I hit the gym with fierce determination. I’m in the final weeks of obtaining my bachelor’s degree. My financial drive is in high gear. The role of father I will continue to take seriously as I enjoy the time I spend with my boys and ensure I am raising them to be strong and educated men. Also, I address my imperfections and work on ways to become a better man. The momentum is tremendous and I plan on riding this wave for a long time and juggarnaut through any obstacles that come my way.

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QUIEN SOY?

Who am I?

A titan amongst serpeants

A survivor

A Paterson, NJ native

I have overcome obstacles. On multiple occassions I was told that my success would be limited because of my nationality and upbringing.

I am a finance professional

I am your first beer after coming home from being deployed overseas

I am Puerto Rican

To be me, is to have an open mind. To be me, is to be analytical. To be me, is to trust few. To be me, is to be a devoted son, father, friend, brother, uncle, etc. To be me, is to constantly strive to be a better person while keeping true to values and beliefs.

Like poverty, I have unlimited potential

Like being rich, my rock bottom may be out of sight

Like a warrior, my inner strength is a weapon. I am driven to prove myself against the odds

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